Who died? Sunk in the cold waters, pebble in the coat pocket. Virginia Woolf? Clarissa Dalloway? Septimus Smith? Richard Brown? Richard Cory?
“…and put a bullet through his head.”
Richard Cory, he had a gun in his hand. The perfect gentleman, the perfect good morning, till, he put a bullet through his head.
Wish I had a gun.
Open my brains, seek out my mind, wretch out the grapes, the cauliflower from the mental fruit basket, and close the lid again, the lid kissing the basket rim, two empty mouths meeting.
But “I prefer men to cauliflowers”. Men, cauliflowers, inedible, edible, hard, soft.
Wish I had a gun, like Richard Cory. But no, I won’t pull the trigger. It’s infinitely better to live.
Cauliflowers, men, soft, hard.
Maybe I want to pull the trigger after all. I open my eyes. The stone is slowly sinking in the cold waters, blue, dark. No. No gun, no bullet. Who knows what’s behind the bullet.
The grapes are still outside, or was it the cauliflowers? I said I would buy the grapes myself, the cauliflowers myself, the men myself.
Stomach touching the white sheets, mouth open, soft noise emerging from it, head on the pillow, enclosed in a mosquito net. It rained. It’s a dark night.
08-01-09
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
NEXT IS WAT?
It’s that time of the year again. It is that damn blasted time when everyone seems to be part of a conspiracy in nagging you with the same question- “What next? Or what will you do after this?” It is a very pertinent question, but unsettling nevertheless. And the answer isn’t easy. Well how could it be when even Samsung and Aamir Khan ask Next is Wat?
Jokes apart, this is a very serious issue. It causes not only weight and appetite loss, but also immense tension. The mind is engaged in a tug of war with not two but a dozen teams simultaneously. Sleepless nights follow and the dark circles forget to vacate. It is not a healthy trend.
I thought I had got rid of it when I graduated, especially when I entered an M.A. programme. With a great sense of relief I thought I would be secure for two years, but the expiry date of security is ending, and I’m panicking.
Solutions are not easy to come by, especially not when people pretend to be helpful by giving advice, for it is the only free thing on earth (damn the phrase there is no free lunch). So advice comes in various forms. “So you’ll do an MPhil?” Or, even better, “You’ll go in for a PhD then.” I say- well I wish I could have said it but I didn’t owing to years of being taught not to talk back- give me an exciting research proposal and I’ll apply today.
Research topics don’t fall out of the sky. After years of schooling in Romantic and Victorian literature, it is unsettling to be exposed to literary theory, eco-criticism which negates a lot of what Wordsworth wrote, post-colonialism, post-modernism, and the delightfully difficult gender studies. That’s when all the old ideas and interests vanish into the air and one is thrown into a sea of ideas which are new to you but old to the world. Research in literature is out, cultural studies is in. So are gender studies and media studies. But pray, (see the influence) what is Cultural Studies? And hasn’t a lot been written about it already? No one said research was easy. I should have known that before straying in to the M.A. programme. But it is too late now.
Well, I yet don’t have an answer. This has just helped me vomit the anxiety. The solution will take awhile. Till then keep watching this space.
Jokes apart, this is a very serious issue. It causes not only weight and appetite loss, but also immense tension. The mind is engaged in a tug of war with not two but a dozen teams simultaneously. Sleepless nights follow and the dark circles forget to vacate. It is not a healthy trend.
I thought I had got rid of it when I graduated, especially when I entered an M.A. programme. With a great sense of relief I thought I would be secure for two years, but the expiry date of security is ending, and I’m panicking.
Solutions are not easy to come by, especially not when people pretend to be helpful by giving advice, for it is the only free thing on earth (damn the phrase there is no free lunch). So advice comes in various forms. “So you’ll do an MPhil?” Or, even better, “You’ll go in for a PhD then.” I say- well I wish I could have said it but I didn’t owing to years of being taught not to talk back- give me an exciting research proposal and I’ll apply today.
Research topics don’t fall out of the sky. After years of schooling in Romantic and Victorian literature, it is unsettling to be exposed to literary theory, eco-criticism which negates a lot of what Wordsworth wrote, post-colonialism, post-modernism, and the delightfully difficult gender studies. That’s when all the old ideas and interests vanish into the air and one is thrown into a sea of ideas which are new to you but old to the world. Research in literature is out, cultural studies is in. So are gender studies and media studies. But pray, (see the influence) what is Cultural Studies? And hasn’t a lot been written about it already? No one said research was easy. I should have known that before straying in to the M.A. programme. But it is too late now.
Well, I yet don’t have an answer. This has just helped me vomit the anxiety. The solution will take awhile. Till then keep watching this space.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
DEATH OF BHARAT MATA
Last year’s defining moments which will go down public memory are Obama’s historic win and the terror attack in Mumbai. Both events have been widely discussed and dissected. While Obama’s victory is celebrated, 11/26 which is touted by the media as India’s 9/11 has seen an upsurge in nationalism. Suddenly everyone feels Indian; patriotic songs are played on news channels as the martyrs are honoured, people are out on the streets expressing solidarity and constructing a new kind of unity. Nationalism is being formed again with the ‘other’ being Pakistan. The ‘imagined community’, to use Anderson’s phrase, of the victims is playing out images of war, and supported by the media, is urging everyone to rally around the event. Among the demonstrations of nationalism emerges the banner of allegiance to Bharat Mata, reminding one of the independence struggle.
Nationalism has been defined and redefined over the ages. Every time a new nationalism is born, the old one is rejected and termed inadequate. Is the use of the gendered Bharat Mata in today’s context necessary?
‘India’ was imagined during the colonial period as a woman, a beautiful mother who had to be saved by her sons, the men of the country. The image of the beautiful young mother gave rise to the erotics of nationalism and proved to be a rallying point for men. Imagining the body of the woman on the map was also necessary to enliven a dead space. It was necessary to attach the label of Bharat Mata to ‘India’ to fight the colonial power and form what we now know as India. The gendered image of land was a necessity of the moment.
In today’s world, with the political space of India formed for more than 60 years, it seems unnecessary to imagine India again as a gendered being. The label of Bharat Mata seems to be carrying forward an old nationalism no longer needed. New nationalisms are being formed. One no longer needs a gendered image of the country to form a rallying point. There are other centres of convergence today, like cricket and Bollywood, and new terms like cricket nationalism. One thus needs to move away from gendered notions of nationalism or gendered references to the country. India needs to be imagined differently, in accordance with the post-modern age, and a rethinking required in our demonstrations of nationalism.
01-01-2009
Nationalism has been defined and redefined over the ages. Every time a new nationalism is born, the old one is rejected and termed inadequate. Is the use of the gendered Bharat Mata in today’s context necessary?
‘India’ was imagined during the colonial period as a woman, a beautiful mother who had to be saved by her sons, the men of the country. The image of the beautiful young mother gave rise to the erotics of nationalism and proved to be a rallying point for men. Imagining the body of the woman on the map was also necessary to enliven a dead space. It was necessary to attach the label of Bharat Mata to ‘India’ to fight the colonial power and form what we now know as India. The gendered image of land was a necessity of the moment.
In today’s world, with the political space of India formed for more than 60 years, it seems unnecessary to imagine India again as a gendered being. The label of Bharat Mata seems to be carrying forward an old nationalism no longer needed. New nationalisms are being formed. One no longer needs a gendered image of the country to form a rallying point. There are other centres of convergence today, like cricket and Bollywood, and new terms like cricket nationalism. One thus needs to move away from gendered notions of nationalism or gendered references to the country. India needs to be imagined differently, in accordance with the post-modern age, and a rethinking required in our demonstrations of nationalism.
01-01-2009
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